Tuesday, March 19, 2013

29 years

That is how many years I have spent overweight. 29 years.

332 pounds. That is how much I weight today.

249 pounds. That is my lowest weight. Just 2 short years ago.

Sometimes I wonder if this battle with fat will be a life long thing. If this is it for me, if being fat is just apart of who I am. Maybe this is who I am, and my fantasies of being athletic and running a marathon is just that...a fantasy.

I had a baby. 10 weeks ago. I gained about 70 pounds because I used that as an excuse to eat however I wanted. Nothing in my closet fits me. Unless it's stretchy.

I miss being what I liked to call "thin". Because it was for me. It's ruining me everyday. I wake up avoiding the mirror because I cant stand to look at myself knowing Im this big fat bitch that wheres sweat pants and t- shirts cuz thats all I got!

Yes, I am having a pity party right now. I dont like myself, and this is a first in my life, EVER. Yup, Ive ALWAYS been fat but this is the first time I have felt this bad.

My little baby girl hates to be put down, or held by anyone but her mama for that matter. This makes it pretty much impossible to get anything done, much less work out. I know I should cut myself some slack. It's only been 10 weeks. But I feel like shit and I want to be happy again.

I eat because Im sad, and Im sad because I eat.

Fuck.

1 comment:

  1. Hey, first step is realizing where you are, right? Do you have a baby carrier? Go for a long walk! You can do it. And get on MFP!

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