Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The Journey within...

Truth be told, I felt myself losing hope. Not giving up, just losing hope. This journey is so hard both mentally, emotionally and physically. I could have never imagined changing a lifetimes thought process of food and eating would be so...so...draining. Everyday I wake up thinking about food. Thinking about my work out. Thinking about my declining health. Every. Day. Some nights Id cry myself to sleep convinced I was just cursed to be fat and unhealthy. I stay up late wondering why? Why does it have to be so hard? I want it so bad, so bad but even then it is insanely hard. I never realized how many emotions would be stirred up when I decided to lose weight. How many things about my past that I guess Im not really over. Things I thought I was ok with, but turns out, Im not. There are so many things going on in my life right now that are effecting my mind. I am days away from my 30th birthday and I am both dreading and excited for it. To me its a life changing age. Its the start of a new book.

Deep inside I am angry. At my mother for showing me bad habits, at her parents for not knowing any better. At my father for not being there, at my myself for allowing people to effect my life SO negativity. Anger. Anger. Anger. It feels good to say it. Im angry. Im angry at being poor as a child...Ok maybe not poor, but lower middle class. Poor. Im angry at being ethnic. Heaven help me for even saying that. But lets be honest. Ethnics...Hispanic, we eat every thing bad. Fried. Pig everything. Rice. Lots of rice. Poor people eat poor. Poor people have poor health. This is it. It is a fact. Not my opinion. Boxed mac n cheese, corn dogs, hamburger helper, tv dinners...Cheap, tasty (sorta? lol) and so full of calories, fat and carbs! Not to mention PROCESSED to hell. How do I change my head of 30 years with a bad relationship with food? Will I ever be "cured"? No, probably not. I will always struggle and fight with food. I hate that. I really do. Today, Im grateful for my 3.2lb weight loss. Next week I hope its another 3 lbs.

A pound at a time I will get to my goal. I will reverse this ugle disease diabetes. I will slow the degeneration of my bones. I will run with my son. I will have more children. I will. I will. I will. I can. I am.

Do or Die...

3 comments:

  1. You are. You are. You ARE. You are doing this. It is slow and it is HARD, very, very HARD, but you're doing it and it's wonderful. Think of where you'll be in a year. I'll bet you'll be down another 50 lbs. and healthier and fitter. Celebrate your journey. You are doing a great thing :).

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  2. Heck, I just did the math and at 3 lbs. a week, you'll be down a lot more than 50 lbs. in a year! And a year goes so quickly these days! You're doing this :).

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  3. Have you looked into support groups? I would look up OA or EDA meetings. Also check out the message support boards on joyproject.org. Community support can be very helpful at a time such as this. Lea, you ARE doing it and you WILL succeed. Keep looking ahead and not in the past, we learn from the past, we don't live in it. ((((((hugs))))))

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