Thursday, September 22, 2011

Got my ducks in a row...

I really hate that saying. That goes along with "Dont put all your eggs in one basket." Who the eff came up with these lame analagies to explain lifes daily problems? Probably someone with a penis...That's my guess lol

Ok but really. I haven't written much lately. I can give you a shitload of legit, but lame reasons. But lazy is the main one. I had my follow up appoint with my doc to review my blood work and bone density test I had.

My A1C (ask Dr Google if you don't know what this is) was 9.3%, it needs to be 7 or lower.
My overall cholesterol was good but my bad cholesterol was slightly elevated.
No rheumatoid arthritis, just the regular kind and inflammation in my joints.
Thyroid looks good.
Fasting sugar was bad at 150 and it should be around 100.
So basically, I'm fat cuz I ate too much (big surprise), my bones are older then they should be and Im not dying as previously thought.

So I am now taking Beyaz (birth control) that obviously controls...Well, birth AND it also help with my PMDD (crazy bitch syndrome)

NSAID anit-inflammatory to help with the pain in my joints

850mg of Metformin 2x daily for my diabetes and...

Cymbalta to help with anxiety

I turned 30 and as a welcome gift I got a cabinet filled with drugs. Sweet.

The metformin should help me lose weight now while help to control my blood sugars so that's great because I've been gaining and losing the same 5lbs for 12 long ass weeks. I'm tired. The meds make me a bit drowsy but I look forward to feeling and seeing the results. So I'm ok.

Life is ok. We are just trying to keep our heads above water. I just turned 30 (eeeeeeeek!) and we are about to celebrate our 1st wedding anniversary and our baby boy turns 3 in 2 weeks. Life's scary.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The Journey within...

Truth be told, I felt myself losing hope. Not giving up, just losing hope. This journey is so hard both mentally, emotionally and physically. I could have never imagined changing a lifetimes thought process of food and eating would be Everyday I wake up thinking about food. Thinking about my work out. Thinking about my declining health. Every. Day. Some nights Id cry myself to sleep convinced I was just cursed to be fat and unhealthy. I stay up late wondering why? Why does it have to be so hard? I want it so bad, so bad but even then it is insanely hard. I never realized how many emotions would be stirred up when I decided to lose weight. How many things about my past that I guess Im not really over. Things I thought I was ok with, but turns out, Im not. There are so many things going on in my life right now that are effecting my mind. I am days away from my 30th birthday and I am both dreading and excited for it. To me its a life changing age. Its the start of a new book.

Deep inside I am angry. At my mother for showing me bad habits, at her parents for not knowing any better. At my father for not being there, at my myself for allowing people to effect my life SO negativity. Anger. Anger. Anger. It feels good to say it. Im angry. Im angry at being poor as a child...Ok maybe not poor, but lower middle class. Poor. Im angry at being ethnic. Heaven help me for even saying that. But lets be honest. Ethnics...Hispanic, we eat every thing bad. Fried. Pig everything. Rice. Lots of rice. Poor people eat poor. Poor people have poor health. This is it. It is a fact. Not my opinion. Boxed mac n cheese, corn dogs, hamburger helper, tv dinners...Cheap, tasty (sorta? lol) and so full of calories, fat and carbs! Not to mention PROCESSED to hell. How do I change my head of 30 years with a bad relationship with food? Will I ever be "cured"? No, probably not. I will always struggle and fight with food. I hate that. I really do. Today, Im grateful for my 3.2lb weight loss. Next week I hope its another 3 lbs.

A pound at a time I will get to my goal. I will reverse this ugle disease diabetes. I will slow the degeneration of my bones. I will run with my son. I will have more children. I will. I will. I will. I can. I am.

Do or Die...