Thursday, August 18, 2011

Life is like a box of mini chocolate donuts..

...And when aunt Flow is visiting, I will eat half of her.

On the way home from Wal-Mart.


I still cant believe I ate half the damn box. I mean really. Wow. It's hard enough having will power on a normal day, but on these days, there IS no such thing as "will power". Ok there is, I willed myself to only eat HALF the box instead of the whole thing. Ok, but seriously, I feel very low today. Not only have I only lost 22 lbs in 4 1/2 months, I know its because I fucked up...a lot. People think this; You're fat, so how do you get UNfat? Go on a diet. Eat right, work out and ta-da you're thin right? Ya, I wish. I don't know about people who got fat 1/2 way through life, or because they had 3 kids back to back. But me..Ive been fat pretty much my entire life. I don't really feel like repeating myself why, so please refer to previous posts about my fat filled childhood. But what I'm saying is, is that this fat thing is not just weight and pounds, its in my head. It's etched in me. I don't know how to go through the day without thinking about food and all the awesome things about it. The fact is, I need therapy. Flat out. I know this. I just have to do it now. It makes me sad. I thought I could do this without that. But I was thinking today while I was on the pot (cuz ya know, that's where all ideas start right?), that when I get to my goal, how will I ever keep it off for life? Will it creep back up on me? Will I cheat a little here or there? I feel very sad, disappointed in myself. Ashamed that this is where I am. I wish I had a normal brain, with healthy thoughts about food. Wish wish wish wish wish wish. I should wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills up faster LOL I may have eaten like shit today but I still worked out! Now that counts for something right? 

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Well then...

I lost 4.8 pounds this last week. THANK THE STARS! I really was starting to lose hope there. I had maintained or gained for almost 6 weeks!! I dont have much else to report really, just chugging along, getting ready for my physical in 2 weeks which I am really looking forward to actually. So..YAH!! for weight loss! LOL

Monday, August 1, 2011

I had a dream...

I had a dream....last night that is. I had a dream that I stood in a room packed full of people there to listen to me. To listen to the words that come from my heart. I stood in front of these people, there I saw my mother, my uncle and friends from long ago waiting with anticipation. There I stood with tears in my eyes and began to speak. I spoke about being obese, being young and unable to do the things I want to do. I spoke about how as a nation how fat we are, and how little we care for our bodies that are precious gifts. I cried. I went to on to say that we need to WAKE UP and look at ourselves. Not one of us will live to be old! To see our children grow old, watch our grandchildren be born to be able to be of sound body and mind. The poison we put into our bodies everyday will kill us before we can do any of those things.

I woke up. I felt emotional. I hate my body right now. My obesity disables to me from being able to be all I can be, to be all I want to be. My body has betrayed me. Doing something has simple as 60 seconds of jumping jacks causes immense pain to my both of my knees and the motion of jumping when you have belly fat and excess fat on your rear is also very painful and just gross to watch. It makes me angry. In my head I can run, fast, for a long time. I can run a marathon. But my body...It has other plans. How frustrating to not be in the same place as your body. 

I havent worked out in several days. Not because I dont want to. But because (and I hate this word) I cant. I had a yard sale Friday and Saturday that was very physically tasking. I attempted to do Jillian Michaels 30 day shred as I have been on Saturday. The moment I started doing those goddamn jumping jacks I knew it was a bad idea. I tried to keep going but the pain in both my knees was so severe I had to stop and go cry. Cry because it hurt and cry because I am sick to death of this fat. This fat that just sits on my body preventing me to do anything. Who the fuck does it think it is?! Go away fat! (I yell that a lot when I work out) So now what? Between my horrible genetics which will claim my body for osteoporosis, arthritis, heart disease, mental illness, brittle bones, etc...What do I do? Im 29 years old and I have arthritis in my hands, 2 bad knees, hips that constantly hurt and lower back pain. Not to mention diabetes. I wake up everyday thinking about my health. Im scared. I watch members of my family wake everyday with pain. Bad circulation in their legs, bursitis, diverticulitis, painful varicose veins and plethora of ailments that many could have been prevented or managed. So why werent they? Same old reason. Ya cant fight city hall? No one in my family really believes going to the doctor lol They will lie to you, they just want your money, they're full of shit. 

NOT I, says this fat chick. Cuz guess what? This chick now has health insurance as August 1, 2011. I am finally going to get the care I need. I will fix these this things that I can. I will relieve this pain I have. I have never looked more forward to going to the doctor in my life. I want to live. Long, and healthy and happy. I am desperate for life.

I went into this journey wanting to lose weight and get healthy. Very simple. But how I could not have known how unsimple this would be and how many emotions and other feelings it would bring up. I am here creating a new person. I wont just be Lea, now thin and healthy. I will be a whole new person. I will look at food differently, I will think about it differently. I want to run that marathon one day. Soon. 

Do or Die people...Those are your choices. Dont let another day pass you by with another excuse why you "cant".