On the way home from Wal-Mart.
I still cant believe I ate half the damn box. I mean really. Wow. It's hard enough having will power on a normal day, but on these days, there IS no such thing as "will power". Ok there is, I willed myself to only eat HALF the box instead of the whole thing. Ok, but seriously, I feel very low today. Not only have I only lost 22 lbs in 4 1/2 months, I know its because I fucked up...a lot. People think this; You're fat, so how do you get UNfat? Go on a diet. Eat right, work out and ta-da you're thin right? Ya, I wish. I don't know about people who got fat 1/2 way through life, or because they had 3 kids back to back. But me..Ive been fat pretty much my entire life. I don't really feel like repeating myself why, so please refer to previous posts about my fat filled childhood. But what I'm saying is, is that this fat thing is not just weight and pounds, its in my head. It's etched in me. I don't know how to go through the day without thinking about food and all the awesome things about it. The fact is, I need therapy. Flat out. I know this. I just have to do it now. It makes me sad. I thought I could do this without that. But I was thinking today while I was on the pot (cuz ya know, that's where all ideas start right?), that when I get to my goal, how will I ever keep it off for life? Will it creep back up on me? Will I cheat a little here or there? I feel very sad, disappointed in myself. Ashamed that this is where I am. I wish I had a normal brain, with healthy thoughts about food. Wish wish wish wish wish wish. I should wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills up faster LOL I may have eaten like shit today but I still worked out! Now that counts for something right?