...and I'm addicted to food.
Where do I begin? I have so much in my head I want to say, that I need to get out. The whole reason why I'm doing this, and allowing people to publicly read this blog. I'm a pretty open person, and don't mind talking about pretty much anything. But I have such a hard time talking about my eating habits, because frankly they are embarrassing and disgusting. It's not that I binge and purge, or gorge until I puke...Just my mentality. I am addicted to food.
I love to eat. I love to cook. I love the way good food tastes. I love after a long day, eating a BIG delish meal. I love the way it melts in your mouth. Every flavor melding together. Why? Why do I think this way? I can NEVER remember, EVER... just stopping when I was satisfied..full. Never. I stuff myself silly, at every meal. It's like a drug addict. They need it, yearn for it, obsess about it until they get it. I have to eat EVERYTHING on my plate. It would be insane of me to leave ANY of it. Wasteful. Throwing money (that I dont have) away. I have never felt this way before. Desperate. Feeling like Im out of time. I want it so bad, I want to live. I want to live healthy. I hate thinking about food all the time, my mind always wondering what I'll eat next. How the fuck do you change that thinking??!! A lifetime of shitty eating habits. How can I just change all that?! It feels hopeless. I want to run. I want to run with my son, without passing the fuck out. I want to get on a bus/airplane and not have have to walk sideways to get my ass thru. I want to sit in a movie theater and have INCHES of space left and not have my saddle bags hanging over. I want to go to ANY store and buy jeans and not look thru the HALF A DAMN rack of "Plus Size" clothes. I dont want to shop at fat bitch stores anymore. I want to enjoy food and not be scared of it. I want my 29 year old body to stop aching. Everyday. I want to be free from this body Ive been hiding in almost my whole life.
I thought the working out part was going to be the hardest for me to get used to, turns out, I was wrong. I love working out. It's a great stress reliever and I want to do more of it. I dont know how Im going to change my thought process when it comes to food. I really dont. But I have to find a way to do it, because it's do or die. I really am out of options.
Do or Die...