Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Hi, my name is Lea...

...and I'm addicted to food.

Where do I begin? I have so much in my head I want to say, that I need to get out. The whole reason why I'm doing this, and allowing people to publicly read this blog. I'm a pretty open person, and don't mind talking about pretty much anything. But I have such a hard time talking about my eating habits, because frankly they are embarrassing and disgusting. It's not that I binge and purge, or gorge until I puke...Just my mentality. I am addicted to food.

I love to eat. I love to cook. I love the way good food tastes. I love after a long day, eating a BIG delish meal. I love the way it melts in your mouth. Every flavor melding together. Why? Why do I think this way? I can NEVER remember, EVER... just stopping when I was satisfied..full. Never. I stuff myself silly, at every meal. It's like a drug addict. They need it, yearn for it, obsess about it until they get it. I have to eat EVERYTHING on my plate. It would be insane of me to leave ANY of it. Wasteful. Throwing money (that I dont have) away. I have never felt this way before. Desperate. Feeling like Im out of time. I want it so bad, I want to live. I want to live healthy. I hate thinking about food all the time, my mind always wondering what I'll eat next. How the fuck do you change that thinking??!! A lifetime of shitty eating habits. How can I just change all that?! It feels hopeless. I want to run. I want to run with my son, without passing the fuck out. I want to get on a bus/airplane and not have have to walk sideways to get my ass thru. I want to sit in a movie theater and have INCHES of space left and not have my saddle bags hanging over. I want to go to ANY store and buy jeans and not look thru the HALF A DAMN rack of "Plus Size" clothes. I dont want to shop at fat bitch stores anymore. I want to enjoy food and not be scared of it. I want my 29 year old body to stop aching. Everyday. I want to be free from this body Ive been hiding in almost my whole life.

I thought the working out part was going to be the hardest for me to get used to, turns out, I was wrong. I love working out. It's a great stress reliever and I want to do more of it. I dont know how Im going to change my thought process when it comes to food. I really dont. But I have to find a way to do it, because it's do or die. I really am out of options.

Do or Die...

2 comments:

  1. (((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

    Me too. And the paxil is making that part worse. I'm eating better, packing more raw veggies in(fruit and veggies smoothies FTW!). But I still want junk. I ate 2 doughnuts today. I have a friend who was almost 800lbs and she just lost 160lbs and got her surgery to help her live. I try to remember her, and the journey she's on and use her as my inspiration. It only works sometimes.

    If you figure out how to break the addiction, let me know...

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  2. i feel like i could have written this myself, except minus the motivation to change it yet. but about thinking about food 24/7.. yep.. that's me.

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