Saturday, April 30, 2011

Good times

When I think about doing this sometimes, the road seems so long. It may seem impossible even. But I know that the payoff is greater then any cheeseburger I could ever shove in my face. Doing this means I have to put off having more children right now. That is my biggest motivator I think. I know that when I've met my goal, my body will be in a much better state to have more babies. I wont have diabetes anymore, not to mention I wont be carrying around all that extra weight! Even knowing all this, it's still hard for me to fathom waiting 2-3 more years...I'll be in my mid 30's by then (scary)! But a plus is knowing it will probably happen much easier and be a much more healthy pregnancy. Gotta keep my eye on the prize!

July is getting closer. July 27 was my due date. I wonder how that month will be for me. I have so many friends around me having babies, and getting pregnant...I really am happy for all of them, but its bittersweet because I should be there too. I cant help to think my unhealthy body ended that pregnancy. I don't so much feel guilt, just anger that I allowed myself to get here. I think that was my eye opener, the thing that made me say I'm done, I need a change. Life is mysterious and mostly doesn't work out the way we plan it. Why would this be any different? lol

In happier news, I had a wonderful time with my BFF and her hubs last night. I was baby/husband free! Also, I am no spring chicken and apparently cannot hang like that anymore cuz I still feel like shit lol I did snack a little more then I intended, but ye is life. It's all a process, and the important thing is that I am not giving up. It was just one night and I'm fine today!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I still like food...

Even though I'm eating right, and working my ass off everyday working out...I still want food lol I know its totally normal and in time my mind set about food will change. I just wish I could get there already.

Good work out today, really good. Im sore as hell but that just means its working lol Not much else to report today. Doing great with my points!! (Weight watchers)

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Today is the first day of the rest of my life...

...and yours too.

It comes down to a simple question: what do you want out of life, and what are you willing to do to get it? 

I want to LIVE. I am willing to do whatever it takes to achieve this. Failure is not an option.

Today I start the first day of my new eating regimen. I went shopping yesterday and got all the tools I need to succeed. I'm really excited about this because I know now with these good options I have I can do this. I've never been more determined in my life to do something. I've never followed through with something important. But this is it. Do or die. 

No matter what it is in your life, you can do it. Anything you put your mind to. The single mom CAN work full time and go to college to better her and her child's life. If you're in a bad relationship and you need to get out, you CAN. You just have to decide you're better then that. If you're not happy with your life, only YOU can change it's course. You alone control your destiny. Don't sit around and complain about it...CHANGE IT. That is my biggest pet peeve! People who complain about how shitty this is or how crappy that is. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Don't waste your life being miserable! You're wasting your precious life. We only get one change, there's no do overs. Make it good so when you die one day, you know you'll have done something in this world. We all have our purpose, whether you believe in a greater power or not. Give meaning to your life, fuck what anyone else thinks.

And don't say you cant. If you think you can, you will. Before I met my amazing husband Barry, I was in a very dark place. Newly divorced AND out of an abusive relationship, I truly believed life wasn't worth the breaths I took, and I could and would never love a man again, much less myself. I was on a very self destructive path, until I woke up one morning and decided I had had enough. I was too young to be giving up on what life had to offer me. Then I met my soul mate, my inspiration for wanting to be a better human being. So those who say you stay for the kids, or don't feel like you can leave, or have been trying for YEARS and its not working...It's time to rethink your life. You CAN be happy. I am blessed beyond words and I know it. I try to never take a day with that man for granted. I was told I may never have children...Tell that to my 2 1/2 year old miracle. All things happen for a reason, and I believe fate brought us together. Don't call me lucky either...Because LUCK had NOTHING to do with my happiness. I bust my ass to get where I am. Life isn't easy and sometimes it just sucks. But its how you get through those hard times is what matter people. Today, I love my life and I want to really live it. Now go live yours.

Do or Die...Words to live by...Truth.

Monday, April 25, 2011

What a weekend!

It's been a few days. Sorry about that. It was a hell of a weekend! Friday I cleaned the entire house and started making stuff for Easter dinner at my house for the first time. Followed by 2 hours of sweaty yard work. That night we didn't work out. We were SO busy and EXHAUSTED. I don't feel guilty because we've been working out EVERYDAY. I guess I somehow was trying to tell myself I should feel guilty, but...It wasn't happening LOL Saturday: Me, Barry, Taaj, Mom, Ambur and Jeremy all went to the beach. It was a WONDERFUL day. Gorgeous. We went for a nice looooong walk so at least we did that. Plus some light treading in the water. Sunday...Beautiful day with my family for Easter dinner, an egg hunt and celebrating my grandpa's 77th birthday. I didn't over stuff myself which I am really proud of myself for.

Tomorrow (maybe today) I go grocery shopping where I will buy weight loss (because I hate the word "diet) friendly foods. I'm excited. I don't know if I gained or loss this week, but it doesn't matter because I am trying. AF is upon me so she is making it really hard to be motivated and no sleep all day lol

Back to our work outs today! Looking forward to it!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Hi, my name is Lea...

...and I'm addicted to food.

Where do I begin? I have so much in my head I want to say, that I need to get out. The whole reason why I'm doing this, and allowing people to publicly read this blog. I'm a pretty open person, and don't mind talking about pretty much anything. But I have such a hard time talking about my eating habits, because frankly they are embarrassing and disgusting. It's not that I binge and purge, or gorge until I puke...Just my mentality. I am addicted to food.

I love to eat. I love to cook. I love the way good food tastes. I love after a long day, eating a BIG delish meal. I love the way it melts in your mouth. Every flavor melding together. Why? Why do I think this way? I can NEVER remember, EVER... just stopping when I was satisfied..full. Never. I stuff myself silly, at every meal. It's like a drug addict. They need it, yearn for it, obsess about it until they get it. I have to eat EVERYTHING on my plate. It would be insane of me to leave ANY of it. Wasteful. Throwing money (that I dont have) away. I have never felt this way before. Desperate. Feeling like Im out of time. I want it so bad, I want to live. I want to live healthy. I hate thinking about food all the time, my mind always wondering what I'll eat next. How the fuck do you change that thinking??!! A lifetime of shitty eating habits. How can I just change all that?! It feels hopeless. I want to run. I want to run with my son, without passing the fuck out. I want to get on a bus/airplane and not have have to walk sideways to get my ass thru. I want to sit in a movie theater and have INCHES of space left and not have my saddle bags hanging over. I want to go to ANY store and buy jeans and not look thru the HALF A DAMN rack of "Plus Size" clothes. I dont want to shop at fat bitch stores anymore. I want to enjoy food and not be scared of it. I want my 29 year old body to stop aching. Everyday. I want to be free from this body Ive been hiding in almost my whole life.

I thought the working out part was going to be the hardest for me to get used to, turns out, I was wrong. I love working out. It's a great stress reliever and I want to do more of it. I dont know how Im going to change my thought process when it comes to food. I really dont. But I have to find a way to do it, because it's do or die. I really am out of options.

Do or Die...

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Holy sore muscles!

Today, kicked my ass. But in a good way. We did our usual walk, with the husband tagging along which was awesome. It's nice having that motivation. I have such a wonderful husband. Today at Wal-Mart, we were checking out the weight loss (I hate saying diet!) safe snacks. He was checking out some chips and I said I wouldnt be eating those, do you know that man put them back?? He's so awesome.

Im sore today, which just means it's working lol My knee hurts, and various muscles I didnt know I had! HaHa! Tomorrow we are making our tracking charts and doing our weekly weight in. Im curious if I lost anything yet....Oh my...As we speck my bones are going CHRICK CRACK CHRICK CRACK..Just like that.

Chugging along...

I bought a new fancy scale the other day. It's glass. It tells your BMI, hydration and body fat. I dont like my new fancy scale. It LIES! (sigh)

Doing great still. Working out everyday! Not quite there with eating part, but getting better. Once I go to the grocery again next week, I'll start doing the weight watchers points plan. I have all the books and the cookbooks so me and mom are going to follow it like we always did.

That is all.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Motivation coming outta me arse!

So, this morning my wonderful husband has to get up early for his finals..FINALLY. We are all up byt 7:15am, just laying in bed, enjoying family time with our son and watching Little Bill. Today I am going to Sarasota so shoot some photos for an event, so I wont be able to get my work out in. I think..sigh...That sucks. I already feel guilty. Well screw that! Hubs leaves, I make a nice breakfast for me and my boy, threw him (not literally) in his stroller and OFF WE WENT! 1.34 miles in about 25 minutes! I even jogged...for like 15 seconds, then I felt my liver fall out.

I must really want this. Do or die.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

In full swing!

Today is the first day we put our workout schedule in full swing. 20 minuted of walking (3/4 mile) and another night of Richard. Tonight, he kicked my ass.

I had steak today. I dont feel guilty...Moving on.

My new eating plan hasn't started yet. I'm still phasing out all the stuff thats not so good from the house, after all, I cant afford to just throw it away lol But I'm definitely gearing up for a healthy fridge and pantry! Im looking forward to learning how to cook lighter. Should be interesting. Short entry tonight, I'm pooped!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

First real workout!

Well color me awesome! We did it. We did the entire Sweatin' to the Oldies DVD. 90 minutes. Sure, we took a 15 min break in between, but hey, we're fat...we gotta break at some point. I feel awesome. Accomplished. I have momentum. I know I can do this.

I'm hungry. Need time my dinner a little better next time.

We decided once a month we'll take pics of us, in our undies...Side, front and back. Oh.My. Have you ever seen a pic of your self, sans clothes? Not so pretty LOL But hey it's me...And I want to watch myself shrink. We also took our measurements. Just about finished off that poor tape measure.

This is good. I'm ready for this life change. Losing weight for good isn't just about being smaller, it's a journey that changes your life forever. That's what I'm ready for. I'm doing this for me. It's been a long time since I've done something major just for Lea. I like it. I need it. I deserve it.

Today, I want to be healthy.

Well, I didn't die as expected....Yet anyways...

So, last night my bff Bur came over to hang out. She's going to be with me during my "defatassness", doing her own thing too. I borrowed my moms 20th Anniversary set of Richard Simmons "Sweatin' to the Oldies". I for one, LOVE these DVD's. Partly because it's what my mom did back in the day and I remember doing it with her, and also because it's really fun and any size person can do it without having a stroke.

So I get the genius idea to do a little mini workout. Refresh my memory AND Bur has never seen it. So, win-win right? There was nothing "little" about this workout might I add. Here's what I learned last night:

  1. Not only am I fat, I'm grossly out of shape.
  2. I think I ruptured my spleen.
  3. Sweatin' to the Oldies involves a lot of sweat.
  4. We did a LOT more then I thought we could!
  5. 3 years ago I could run almost a mile (thats a lot for a fatty people), not so much today...YET
I'm glad we did though. I was a LOT of fun, just like I remembered. This will be our work-out 3 times a week.
Good choice? I think so.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Gearing up for the big start

It's high time I get back on track. It's been 3 years since I quit eating right and working out. Right before I got preggo with my Taaj. Not that he's to blame but..Ya know. (Kidding...maybe) Pregnancy made me lazy..and fatter. Boo. The day I found out I was expecting I was 280. I gained a whopping 50 pounds during the next 8 months. Oh my. Thankfully today, I'm right back there at 280. Still WAY too much but way better then the 330 I was 6 years ago. (yikes, I've always been hush hush about my weight, but there it is, please don't run!)

I could blame my weight on the lack of a father figure, emotional issues or some other psycho babble bullshit, but honestly, I like to eat. My family loves to eat. I grew up in a Puerto Rican household filled with deep fried pork, rice and beans (like every f*cking day!), coca cola and a slew of other heart clogging foods. We ate when we were happy, when we were sad, to celebrate a special day, to say I love you, to say I hate you even! We just ate...A LOT. At the tender age of 4, in 1985 I had heart surgery to correct a heart murmur. I steadily gained weight from that moment on, thought I didn't know I was fat until I was 6 1/2 in 1988 when we moved to Florida and I started getting picked on.

We weren't a very active bunch either. My mom was (is) over protective, so I didn't play much outdoors. I did, however, have Nintendo, the original, from the 90's (now I'm showing my age), barbies and legos...which I played with, a lot. I also didn't have chores. <sigh> Sounds good right? Not so much. I became a lazy, entitled little bitch whom just got fatter and fatter and FATTER. 

So, now here I am. 29 1/2. In terrible shape, with uncontrolled diabetes that's kicking my ass with all crap it brings with it and truly scared that I won't see my children grow up. It's do or die time. Quite literally. Time to stop fiddle fartin' around and do it, once and for all. Either that, or I'll be taking a permanent nap before I'm ready to. I started this blog to help me help myself succeed and maybe help some other fatty lose it too.