Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Peek A Boo

This is a journey, not a destination. My struggles are normal. My struggles mean I am human. To err is to be human. Everyday I will wake up and I will struggle with my weight and my curse that is diabetes. Everyday I will fight with food, the thing that nourishes our bodies but can also kill us. Everyday I will have hundreds of numbers in my head. It is all so confusing, so overwhelming. I want instant results or I tire of this bullshit day in and day out. Diabetes is no joke. I hate it. I hate that it lives inside me. Its just there, in my face, taunting me and every bite of food I take. On my bad days that I eat all that ice cream to the good days....Even on those good days when my numbers aren't where they should be, I get so frustrated. Not only do I have to eat within my calories I also have to keep tight control on how many carbs I eat. Carbs are in EVERYTHING and just the smallest amount causes my blood sugar to sky rocket. That means that big plate of pasta you're eating...I'll be lucky if I can have 1/4 cup of it..WHOLE WHEAT even. 1 SMALL potato. I feel betrayed by my body. It makes me angry that I have to work so hard, with such little results. Today I sat through a diabetes education class at the local hospital. I was the youngest one in there. EVERYONE was at LEAST over 50. The older people behind me were hilarious. This older man from New York was trying to sweet talk his way out of being diabetic lol Giving every reason why or why not this and that. Sigh.

To make a long story short, I'm still here. I'm dealing with this crap my own way. I'm still up and down a few pounds, but that's my own fault.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Got my ducks in a row...

I really hate that saying. That goes along with "Dont put all your eggs in one basket." Who the eff came up with these lame analagies to explain lifes daily problems? Probably someone with a penis...That's my guess lol

Ok but really. I haven't written much lately. I can give you a shitload of legit, but lame reasons. But lazy is the main one. I had my follow up appoint with my doc to review my blood work and bone density test I had.

My A1C (ask Dr Google if you don't know what this is) was 9.3%, it needs to be 7 or lower.
My overall cholesterol was good but my bad cholesterol was slightly elevated.
No rheumatoid arthritis, just the regular kind and inflammation in my joints.
Thyroid looks good.
Fasting sugar was bad at 150 and it should be around 100.
So basically, I'm fat cuz I ate too much (big surprise), my bones are older then they should be and Im not dying as previously thought.

So I am now taking Beyaz (birth control) that obviously controls...Well, birth AND it also help with my PMDD (crazy bitch syndrome)

NSAID anit-inflammatory to help with the pain in my joints

850mg of Metformin 2x daily for my diabetes and...

Cymbalta to help with anxiety

I turned 30 and as a welcome gift I got a cabinet filled with drugs. Sweet.

The metformin should help me lose weight now while help to control my blood sugars so that's great because I've been gaining and losing the same 5lbs for 12 long ass weeks. I'm tired. The meds make me a bit drowsy but I look forward to feeling and seeing the results. So I'm ok.

Life is ok. We are just trying to keep our heads above water. I just turned 30 (eeeeeeeek!) and we are about to celebrate our 1st wedding anniversary and our baby boy turns 3 in 2 weeks. Life's scary.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The Journey within...

Truth be told, I felt myself losing hope. Not giving up, just losing hope. This journey is so hard both mentally, emotionally and physically. I could have never imagined changing a lifetimes thought process of food and eating would be so...so...draining. Everyday I wake up thinking about food. Thinking about my work out. Thinking about my declining health. Every. Day. Some nights Id cry myself to sleep convinced I was just cursed to be fat and unhealthy. I stay up late wondering why? Why does it have to be so hard? I want it so bad, so bad but even then it is insanely hard. I never realized how many emotions would be stirred up when I decided to lose weight. How many things about my past that I guess Im not really over. Things I thought I was ok with, but turns out, Im not. There are so many things going on in my life right now that are effecting my mind. I am days away from my 30th birthday and I am both dreading and excited for it. To me its a life changing age. Its the start of a new book.

Deep inside I am angry. At my mother for showing me bad habits, at her parents for not knowing any better. At my father for not being there, at my myself for allowing people to effect my life SO negativity. Anger. Anger. Anger. It feels good to say it. Im angry. Im angry at being poor as a child...Ok maybe not poor, but lower middle class. Poor. Im angry at being ethnic. Heaven help me for even saying that. But lets be honest. Ethnics...Hispanic, we eat every thing bad. Fried. Pig everything. Rice. Lots of rice. Poor people eat poor. Poor people have poor health. This is it. It is a fact. Not my opinion. Boxed mac n cheese, corn dogs, hamburger helper, tv dinners...Cheap, tasty (sorta? lol) and so full of calories, fat and carbs! Not to mention PROCESSED to hell. How do I change my head of 30 years with a bad relationship with food? Will I ever be "cured"? No, probably not. I will always struggle and fight with food. I hate that. I really do. Today, Im grateful for my 3.2lb weight loss. Next week I hope its another 3 lbs.

A pound at a time I will get to my goal. I will reverse this ugle disease diabetes. I will slow the degeneration of my bones. I will run with my son. I will have more children. I will. I will. I will. I can. I am.

Do or Die...

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Life is like a box of mini chocolate donuts..

...And when aunt Flow is visiting, I will eat half of her.

On the way home from Wal-Mart.


I still cant believe I ate half the damn box. I mean really. Wow. It's hard enough having will power on a normal day, but on these days, there IS no such thing as "will power". Ok there is, I willed myself to only eat HALF the box instead of the whole thing. Ok, but seriously, I feel very low today. Not only have I only lost 22 lbs in 4 1/2 months, I know its because I fucked up...a lot. People think this; You're fat, so how do you get UNfat? Go on a diet. Eat right, work out and ta-da you're thin right? Ya, I wish. I don't know about people who got fat 1/2 way through life, or because they had 3 kids back to back. But me..Ive been fat pretty much my entire life. I don't really feel like repeating myself why, so please refer to previous posts about my fat filled childhood. But what I'm saying is, is that this fat thing is not just weight and pounds, its in my head. It's etched in me. I don't know how to go through the day without thinking about food and all the awesome things about it. The fact is, I need therapy. Flat out. I know this. I just have to do it now. It makes me sad. I thought I could do this without that. But I was thinking today while I was on the pot (cuz ya know, that's where all ideas start right?), that when I get to my goal, how will I ever keep it off for life? Will it creep back up on me? Will I cheat a little here or there? I feel very sad, disappointed in myself. Ashamed that this is where I am. I wish I had a normal brain, with healthy thoughts about food. Wish wish wish wish wish wish. I should wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills up faster LOL I may have eaten like shit today but I still worked out! Now that counts for something right? 

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Well then...

I lost 4.8 pounds this last week. THANK THE STARS! I really was starting to lose hope there. I had maintained or gained for almost 6 weeks!! I dont have much else to report really, just chugging along, getting ready for my physical in 2 weeks which I am really looking forward to actually. So..YAH!! for weight loss! LOL

Monday, August 1, 2011

I had a dream...

I had a dream....last night that is. I had a dream that I stood in a room packed full of people there to listen to me. To listen to the words that come from my heart. I stood in front of these people, there I saw my mother, my uncle and friends from long ago waiting with anticipation. There I stood with tears in my eyes and began to speak. I spoke about being obese, being young and unable to do the things I want to do. I spoke about how as a nation how fat we are, and how little we care for our bodies that are precious gifts. I cried. I went to on to say that we need to WAKE UP and look at ourselves. Not one of us will live to be old! To see our children grow old, watch our grandchildren be born to be able to be of sound body and mind. The poison we put into our bodies everyday will kill us before we can do any of those things.

I woke up. I felt emotional. I hate my body right now. My obesity disables to me from being able to be all I can be, to be all I want to be. My body has betrayed me. Doing something has simple as 60 seconds of jumping jacks causes immense pain to my both of my knees and the motion of jumping when you have belly fat and excess fat on your rear is also very painful and just gross to watch. It makes me angry. In my head I can run, fast, for a long time. I can run a marathon. But my body...It has other plans. How frustrating to not be in the same place as your body. 

I havent worked out in several days. Not because I dont want to. But because (and I hate this word) I cant. I had a yard sale Friday and Saturday that was very physically tasking. I attempted to do Jillian Michaels 30 day shred as I have been on Saturday. The moment I started doing those goddamn jumping jacks I knew it was a bad idea. I tried to keep going but the pain in both my knees was so severe I had to stop and go cry. Cry because it hurt and cry because I am sick to death of this fat. This fat that just sits on my body preventing me to do anything. Who the fuck does it think it is?! Go away fat! (I yell that a lot when I work out) So now what? Between my horrible genetics which will claim my body for osteoporosis, arthritis, heart disease, mental illness, brittle bones, etc...What do I do? Im 29 years old and I have arthritis in my hands, 2 bad knees, hips that constantly hurt and lower back pain. Not to mention diabetes. I wake up everyday thinking about my health. Im scared. I watch members of my family wake everyday with pain. Bad circulation in their legs, bursitis, diverticulitis, painful varicose veins and plethora of ailments that many could have been prevented or managed. So why werent they? Same old reason. Ya cant fight city hall? No one in my family really believes going to the doctor lol They will lie to you, they just want your money, they're full of shit. 

NOT I, says this fat chick. Cuz guess what? This chick now has health insurance as August 1, 2011. I am finally going to get the care I need. I will fix these this things that I can. I will relieve this pain I have. I have never looked more forward to going to the doctor in my life. I want to live. Long, and healthy and happy. I am desperate for life.

I went into this journey wanting to lose weight and get healthy. Very simple. But how I could not have known how unsimple this would be and how many emotions and other feelings it would bring up. I am here creating a new person. I wont just be Lea, now thin and healthy. I will be a whole new person. I will look at food differently, I will think about it differently. I want to run that marathon one day. Soon. 

Do or Die people...Those are your choices. Dont let another day pass you by with another excuse why you "cant".

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

For the love of...Well, me.

I'm doing this for me. I know, how selfish. A discussion recently came up on Facebook (because that is my social life) about my weight loss. Some people say things like 'Oh you are beautiful, you don't need to lose weight'. I truly appreciate the kind words. Its always nice to hear that other people think you are attractive. But to be honest, this has nothing to do with my looks. Frankly, I feel good mostly about how I look. The fact remains: I am losing weight because I am grossly overweight and I need to be healthy. Here some fun facts for you to think about:

  • I have uncontrolled Type 2 diabetes
  • I have varicose and spider veins due to my weight
  • I cant run for more then 10-15 seconds without a lung collapsing
  • There are seats/rides/spaces I simply cannot fit into
  • I had a heart murmur repaired at age 3
  • I have diminishing cartilage in my joints
  • I don't know for sure, but Id say I have the start of arthritis and osteoarthritis 

The sad and very real fact is this: If I do not lose weight now, I will not live a long life. The life I will live will be a very painful one with joint pain, back pain, knee pain, depression, a cabinet full of medications and a life of solitude. That's not what I signed up for.

Yes, I am losing weight for myself. But it also benefit others.

  • I will be around for my husband to grow old with
  • My son will never know what its like to be grossly out of shape and fat his entire life
  • He also wont know the shame of having an overweight parent too embarrassed to do anything with him in public
  • Physical fitness and activity will always be apart of our lives
  • I will see my children grow and hopefully have their own children
  • Maybe one day I can help someone else find the strength inside to get healthy
I think a lot of time most people don't understand how momentous and huge this is for me. For the first time in my life I have taken control of my life. Losing weight has not only made me feel better but it also has given me new perspective on many things in my life. People of normal weight, that have never have food issues, weight issues, health issues...They just cant understand. A fat persons relationship with food is as toxic as a drug addicts relationship with drugs. We need it, think about it, crave it. It's something Im still working on, and I know that I always will no matter what my weight is. 

But for now Do or Die people. Get out there and do it.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Warning: Negitive Nancy here!

A lot of you know that right now is not a great time in my life. We are having financial concerns and also some personal things going on. They are making it all very hard to focus, on anything frankly. Some days I feel ok, and some days I just want to lay in my bed all day and feel sorry for myself. I'm at a time right now where I feel stagnant and sort of lost. Not just in my weight loss but in life in general. Feelings of hopelessness and no relief anytime in the near future. I'm tired and I feel defeated. I used to believe so much in karma, but find it hard believing that now. My husband and I are good people. He is a good man that takes care of me and our little family. He went to college, got a masters degree, did everything he was "supposed" to do, yet everything is struggle for us. I know a lot of is the fact that he is a victim of the economy and people our age are having a hard time right now building our futures. But I don't know how much longer we can hang on with losing everything. I feel like we are only going through the motions right now and not living at all. I hate looking into my husbands eyes and seeing the pain of him feeling like a failure. Because he is.
On top of all this, I'm dealing with some serious emotional and mental health issues myself. Things with my extended family. Watching my grandmother deteriorate from Alzheimer's, not talking much and soon not knowing who we are. Watching the rest of my family self destruct. I don't want to be that. Them. Never learning to face their issues and ignoring them until they are what they are now. Miserable, sad, and wasting what little time they have left on this earth. Every step in my life has been an extreme struggle. I struggle to be happy, to live a normal life. I'm fighting for my life- Mentally, emotionally and health wise. I want to be free from despair. I want to LIVE! I don't want to die unhealthy and miserable.

Everyday my health weighs heavy on my heart and head. They say knowledge is power, but sometimes it makes you too aware. Chickens are modified to be twice as big as they used to and pumped FULL of antibiotics. This is the POISON we put into our bodies everyday! Did you know the fillers for ground beef (FILLERS...WHY ARE THERE FILLERS IN MEAT) are WASHED IN AMMONIA to get rid of the E-Coli bacteria because cows are not grass fed anymore they..they are corn fed which breads the bacterias?! Tomatoes are ripened anymore naturally, they done so by GAS. We have become a society of convenience and money. Which in turns makes us fat, lazy, greedy and UNHEALTHY. I'm scared for my life, my families life and the well being of our world as a whole.

But alas...you need a great deal of money to buy the proper foods. Whole foods, organic grass fed meats, veggies, fruit. Who can afford to really do this? Not I...

Do or Die..

Looks like I may die before I even get a chance...                                                    

Friday, July 8, 2011

Let's have some more public accountability!

I'll make this post short and sweet :-)

Week 1- April 13                                     Week 12- July 6

Waist- 47''                                                 Waist- 44''   -3 inches

Hips- 57.5''                                                Hips- 54.75'' -2 1/4 inches

Bust- 46.5''                                                Bust- 45.5''  -1 inch

So, in closing, Awesome :-)

Friday, June 24, 2011

The power of being fat...

The power of being fat. 

Fat. That's what it is. Does that offend you? Ok..Overweight. I rather fat myself. How many words are there to describe a person with excessive fat?


Please, it's fat. Fatty Fat Fat. Whether you've been fat all your life or you had a baby or 2 (or 3 or 4), or you "let yourself go", maybe you had a rough patch in life and you ate your way through it. Whatever that reason may be, you are who you are. Sure, there are days I don't like my body. I don't like my huge ass (it's true, ask my family, I have my great-grandma's butt) or my small breasts. I HATE this stupid unsymmetrical roll on my back. There's always things you aren't going to like about your body. But for all those things, I bet I have twice as many I love about me. I love my long eyelashes and my curly hair. I love my toes and the deep dimples in my cheeks. Most of all, I love the way my husband thinks I'm incredibly sexy. What I'm saying is this: If you don't love yourself today, at 262 pounds and a size 22, with every stretch mark and cellulite bumps, you aren't going to love yourself at 150 pounds or a at a size 5. We have to love ourselves now! Ask yourself this; Why am I fat? 

My name is Lea Williams (this is when you all say "Hi Lea!"). I'm fat because as a child I was sedentary. We ate a lot of fried foods, junk foods and carbs. Growing up, I didn't know any better. And as an adult I have struggled to change those set in habits. 

Why do you want to lose weight?
I don't want to die at a young age. I want to run with my child and be active. I don't want to get out of breath anymore from walking up 5 steps. I don't want to ever feel the embarrassment of not being able to fit in an airplane seat or stadium seat every again. I want to feel good and not be weighed down anymore. Looking better is just a bonus.

You can do this. I can do this. Don't say there's no time. Don't say you cant. Don't say I don't know how. Don't wake up day after day and hate the body you're in or hate the way you feel. Only you can be the change you want in life. 

Like I always say...

Do or die people...

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Fatty McFat Fat

I have to be honest, this losing weight shit, it sucks. Changing your whole way of thinking about food sucks. It aint easy, it aint for the weak and let me tell ya, it pretty much aint for no one. These last few weeks have been very trying for myself and for my husband. Between new jobs, pay cuts and personal issues, my head has been spinning and I'm trying so hard to keep a grip on shit. Ive been in a serious funk lately and its all I can do to hang on, because quitting is not an option (as we have previously discussed in case you weren't paying attention!) After my gain last week, I somehow managed to lose 1.5 pounds this week.Which is by pure LUCK because I ate like CRAP the last few days. But hey, I'll take it! So back on the wagon as of today. Its a new week and I'll be damned if I let fat be the winner!

Do or Die...

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Drenched in sweat much?

This week I have been walking in the morning. My husband started his new job so I am up very morning at 6:30am. I walk 1.33 miles, and then do aerobics. Man, it's hot. I swear it has be in the 80's already by 7am. Eck. But whatever, I'm still doing it. I really love doing my work outs in the morning because then I can have my evenings to relax with my family and not worry about my son being cranky because I'm cutting into his bedtime. Makes for a much easier workout! I cheated and got on the scale this morning...Ok every morning lol It's SAYS 260....But we will see OFFICIALLY on Wednesday!

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Public Accountability (not for the faint of heart)

At first I was only going to post this photo...

But then I said, what the hell...PUBLIC ACCOUNTABILITY! 

So, there you have me. In all my glory. Cellulite, rolls, spider veins, the whole bit. But its ok cuz I'll be skinny soon right? LOL

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Speed bump

So ya know when things seem to be going your way in life, and then BAM you hit a turd the size of a small cow and it totally derails you? Ya...pretty much sums up our week. But, I am not allowing this speed bump to derail my weight loss efforts.

I love 1lb this week. Not a lot, but still a loss and I'll take it!!

I bought 2 new shirts...in a size 1x!! I also tried on jeans..Ummm size 20!!!! From a 24!!! Holy smack my ass! Can u believe it??????

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Man, this feels good!

I lost 5lbs this week. For a grand total of 13.4 pounds lost, putting me at 263.6! Ummm excuse me while I do the happy dance. I can't fuckin believe this shyt! Ok, I can..Cuz we been bustin our asses but still..ya know?

I feel so good. I feel like I look good. I like looking at myself now, and I like the way Barry looks at me. He is so supportive in this. He loved me while I was fat, and will enjoy me more when Im thin LOL And Im ok with that cuz I just feel better! I want to go out more, do more physical things with him and Taaj. It's a really awesome feeling! My curves are coming out more too which I LOOOOOVE. I feel like some kinda Latina hawt sauce LOL Lemme stop lol

Do or Die!!

Sunday, May 29, 2011

The incredible shrinking woman!

It's been what seems forever since I updated. Things are still going strong. I've had a few rough patches, but nothing that made me want to quit, cuz I'm still losing!

Last night, I went thru my whole wardrobe and tried on every single item. Umm I dont have much left LOL Things that were once snug and tight are just too big!! It's amazing to see it like that! But what a shame that MOST of those clothes BARELY got worn!! Oh well, I can buy new CUTER clothes soon! My fav capres that are maybe a few months old are starting to get loose on me now too!

Other then this...Life is good.

Do or Die...

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Man, O', MAN!!

I lost 2.4 pounds this week. THAT was surprising. Got a little off course and skipped a workout, but apparently Im doing something right! Im feeling really good about that loss and I cant wait to weight in NEXT week! 

It's so awesome to have so many friends and family rooting me on as I do this, because its hard. I want to quit everyday...For like 5 seconds and then I feel my fat ass bouncing like a bowl of jelly as I run LOL 

Not much else to report, Im feeling good right now. Every muscle is aching, but that just means its working LOL

Oh! And....we got a new whip :-)

Sunday, May 15, 2011

I have no title because that's how I'm feeling...

It has NOT been a good week.

1. Being a woman sucks and I hate hormones!
2. Eating healthy is expensive.

Let's touch on the hormones part, shall we?
PMS is a son of a bitch and I want to rip my ovaries out for later use. She makes me crazy, and hungry, all the time. I blame PMS for my fattiness. (not really though)

I may end up having to sell my body on MLK to pay for my salad habit. Why does this shit cost so much?! I can get 2 salads out of one bag, that costs me almost $3.00. I eat salad twice a day, and thats just ME. If Barry decides to have one.MORE SALAD. And lets not forget cucumbers, red onions, and anything else you want on it. Fish- Wait a minute, the world is made up of mostly water (ya know, where fish live?) and I'm paying $20 for 6 SMALL salmon fillets? Awesome. It's just not a good week. How am I supposed to feed my family, and still keep it healthy enough so I can eat it, and not just this mini, skinny model sized portion? Cooking the way I used to and just "portion control" is not really an option here. Everything I made was fattening and high in calories.

Not to mention I missed 2 work outs this week. Today, I want to quit. But I'm not.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I gained this week...

But I don't really give a shit lol I worked out everyday, even our "day off" we took a nice long stroll. I ate right, even while going out to eat, I drink my water... I'm still a winner. It's a new week, its a new day.

We took Taaj to the park today. It's amazing the things I realized Ive never really done. We ran...literally...around the park, the track and field. I chased my son, up stairs, down slides, through bridges...Things Ive never been able..errr...WANTED to do. Ive missed years of opportunities because of my weight. Less because of being embarrassed, and more of just not being able to keep up without passing out! It's good be alive, and it's good to be on the right track now. Im just so glad I am doing it now, while Taaj is little and wont remember a mommy thats grossly obese, out of shape, unable to play with him the way a mother should. I never ever want to Taaj to be fat. I want being physically active to be a normal part of life for him, not like it was for me. We watched movies, played games and ate...and ate...and ate. By the time my mom realized I was fat, it was too late. I was already lazy by then. I never want him to struggle with weight like I have...Like I do. All the years Ive spent eating 2 double whoppers in one sitting, feeling insecure but faking like I wasnt, not doing things because I hated how everything looked on me, feeling sluggish. Do you know what it's like to be CONSTANTLY compared to your skinny friends? Being the "fat one". Being the buddy to your guy friends, but too fat to be a girlfriend. I laugh in their faces now. Cuz they can all kiss my fat ass! HaHa! There's a skinny bitch FIGHTING to get out now, and she will show her face in due time. And when she does, the world better watch out...cuz Im gonna wear really short shorts.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Every fattys dream...

The buffet....
But it's ok! I survived! I had shrimp cocktail (with almost no calories), TONS of veggies, and I only had a few cheat items but still didnt get silly with myself. Cuz lets be honest, whats like without a little enjoyment like that? All things in moderation, right?

Oh and I just have to share...My fortune cookie read, "Success is usually the fruit of patience" Nice huh?
However, my husband read, "Your relationship could be under stress, sit back and wait" Oh the irony...Let's just say today was not so good of a day :-)

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Today I realized...

That I am really doing this. It's really becoming part of my life. Not just something I'm "doing". I wake up and I don't think about food as much. I enjoying our work outs and look forward to them...Mostly lol I've lost weight, which is a really awesome motivator. I'm very excited to see changes and where I will be in 6 months, a year...2 years.

I packed my minivan up today with Taaj's baby stuff. High chair, changing table, Einstein jumper, portable swing, infant car seat, toddler bed with mattress and some clothes....I figure, its going to be 2-3 years until we have more children, and by then I'll want new fancy stuff. Besides the fact its taking up A LOT of space in my home for no reason. So, off tomorrow they go for another child to enjoy. It's bittersweet. It makes me sad to see it all go, but I know I need to. Just makes it that more important that I get healthy.

Keep my eye on the prize...

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Cuz quittin' ain't an option!

Today was awesome.

It did not however, start that way.

I woke up this am expect my blood sugar to be around 150-170 considering it was 203 right before I went to bed. How surprised was I was that shit was 274?! I was highly upset...Plus, I weighed myself. It wasnt weight in day. Stupid.

Had an AWESOME work-out today! I really humped it on our walk. Barry came with and we jogged...a lot. He's a great motivator plus he has a lot of good tips from when he was in the po-po academy. Then of course our walk was followed by doing Richard (tee-hee) with Bur. That was also equally awesome. Im also slowly but surely learning about calories, carbs, fat, BMI, BMR, etc...I have a headache now lol But its great knowledge that I am really putting to use.

My first small goal is to lose 50lb by my 30th birthday. Barry(July 9), myself(Sept 15) and my bff's(Sept 27) (Bur)'s husband all turn 30 this year, so we are having a Triple Dirty 30 party and we are gonna look HOT!!

That is all :-)

Monday, May 2, 2011

September 10th, 2001

Let me paint a picture (kinda like Sophia in Golden Girls...Which is my fav show btw):

Anywhere, USA September 10th, 2001-

I am 19 years old (about to turn 20), living in my first apartment with my then husband, a US Navy Sailor. We were stationed in Mayport Navel Station, Florida (Just outside Jacksonville) on board the the USS John F. Kennedy CV67 (I cant believe I remember that). Life was pretty good as I remember it. The economy was stable as it could be, gas was just over $1.00 a gallon, jobs were easy to find, the unemployment rate was only 4% and not almost 10% like it is now, we didn't worry about being felt up by TSA. you didn't need 153 documents to prove who you are, the USA PATRIOT Act was unheard of, you could shop at the off base commissary without heavily armed guards outside. We felt somewhat safe. 

September 11, 2001-

My husband leaves this morning for a 30 day deployment to gear up for the their 6 months Mediterranean cruise.

9:10am. I will never ever forget this moment in my life. My close friend calls, she's in hysterics. Something about a plane hitting the Twin Towers, don't know where our husbands ship is, people jumping. All the lines are clogged, I cant get a hold of my mom in Fort Myers. People are picking up their children because most of them are military families. I'm like a bot most of that day. Shock. Scared for my husbands safety. I don't think I heard a single word from him for about a week. They shut down email, phones, etc...They were half way across the world now, instead of just in the Atlantic.

Things instantly changed. You had to have 2 forms of ID to get onto base. They stopped every single car. You can tell things were so...tight, locked up on base. Most of the ships were gone. The world in it self seemed quiet, lost. It was very eerie the next morning. 

This is what I remember most about those days. 

Fast forward to today. Real Estate crash. Cape Coral has the highest foreclosures in the nation. There's no jobs. People that have spent thousands on education have degrees they cant even use. Stuck in jobs with no advancement  no raises, no moral. Stuck with student loans they cant pay. People losing their homes, crime goes up, poverty goes up and moral goes waaaaaaaay down.

My husband will graduate in 35 days with a Master's degree. A $40,000 education. He hasn't had a raise in 3 1/2 years. He also hasn't had a promotion. We are told their will be no raises until at LEAST 2013. They are raising our insurance premiums.  This happens everyday in this country. How are the everyday people like us supposed to make it? My husband did everything the way he was "supposed" to. He got an education, dedicated himself to his school work. It has gotten him no where. How long can we all hold on? Gas is nearly $4.00 a gallon. Milk is close behind at $3.00. Yet, our paychecks never grow. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing one day, when it gets better, all these men and women that have spent all this time getting degrees will be the first ones to land great jobs and opportunities. But until then, how do we keep our heads above water? How much can we "cut back"? It's so sad that THIS is what our children will have.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Let's make some goals!

So, every time I think about the end result of all this I get really excited. I want to make some long and short term goals...Here's some I like :-)

  • Go to any of those skinny bitch stores in the mall (5*7*9, Gap, American Eagle, Wet Seal, oh and of course Victoria's Secret) and get ANYTHING. I try it on, and it fits. I buy it. The end.
  • Run a half marathon next year. Totally gonna go it.
  • Learn how to do a cart wheel.
  • Get on a ride at a fair and not worry about squeezing in.
  • Sit in the back seat of a small car and be comfy.
  • Have a really cute preggo belly
  • Peirce my belly button
  • Get a tattoo on my side and butt lol
  • Ride a jet ski

Those are just some of em...Some are silly but I never realized how my weight as stopped me from doing SO much in life. Im just glad I can change all that now instead of it being too late when Im old. 

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Good times

When I think about doing this sometimes, the road seems so long. It may seem impossible even. But I know that the payoff is greater then any cheeseburger I could ever shove in my face. Doing this means I have to put off having more children right now. That is my biggest motivator I think. I know that when I've met my goal, my body will be in a much better state to have more babies. I wont have diabetes anymore, not to mention I wont be carrying around all that extra weight! Even knowing all this, it's still hard for me to fathom waiting 2-3 more years...I'll be in my mid 30's by then (scary)! But a plus is knowing it will probably happen much easier and be a much more healthy pregnancy. Gotta keep my eye on the prize!

July is getting closer. July 27 was my due date. I wonder how that month will be for me. I have so many friends around me having babies, and getting pregnant...I really am happy for all of them, but its bittersweet because I should be there too. I cant help to think my unhealthy body ended that pregnancy. I don't so much feel guilt, just anger that I allowed myself to get here. I think that was my eye opener, the thing that made me say I'm done, I need a change. Life is mysterious and mostly doesn't work out the way we plan it. Why would this be any different? lol

In happier news, I had a wonderful time with my BFF and her hubs last night. I was baby/husband free! Also, I am no spring chicken and apparently cannot hang like that anymore cuz I still feel like shit lol I did snack a little more then I intended, but ye is life. It's all a process, and the important thing is that I am not giving up. It was just one night and I'm fine today!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I still like food...

Even though I'm eating right, and working my ass off everyday working out...I still want food lol I know its totally normal and in time my mind set about food will change. I just wish I could get there already.

Good work out today, really good. Im sore as hell but that just means its working lol Not much else to report today. Doing great with my points!! (Weight watchers)

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Today is the first day of the rest of my life...

...and yours too.

It comes down to a simple question: what do you want out of life, and what are you willing to do to get it? 

I want to LIVE. I am willing to do whatever it takes to achieve this. Failure is not an option.

Today I start the first day of my new eating regimen. I went shopping yesterday and got all the tools I need to succeed. I'm really excited about this because I know now with these good options I have I can do this. I've never been more determined in my life to do something. I've never followed through with something important. But this is it. Do or die. 

No matter what it is in your life, you can do it. Anything you put your mind to. The single mom CAN work full time and go to college to better her and her child's life. If you're in a bad relationship and you need to get out, you CAN. You just have to decide you're better then that. If you're not happy with your life, only YOU can change it's course. You alone control your destiny. Don't sit around and complain about it...CHANGE IT. That is my biggest pet peeve! People who complain about how shitty this is or how crappy that is. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Don't waste your life being miserable! You're wasting your precious life. We only get one change, there's no do overs. Make it good so when you die one day, you know you'll have done something in this world. We all have our purpose, whether you believe in a greater power or not. Give meaning to your life, fuck what anyone else thinks.

And don't say you cant. If you think you can, you will. Before I met my amazing husband Barry, I was in a very dark place. Newly divorced AND out of an abusive relationship, I truly believed life wasn't worth the breaths I took, and I could and would never love a man again, much less myself. I was on a very self destructive path, until I woke up one morning and decided I had had enough. I was too young to be giving up on what life had to offer me. Then I met my soul mate, my inspiration for wanting to be a better human being. So those who say you stay for the kids, or don't feel like you can leave, or have been trying for YEARS and its not working...It's time to rethink your life. You CAN be happy. I am blessed beyond words and I know it. I try to never take a day with that man for granted. I was told I may never have children...Tell that to my 2 1/2 year old miracle. All things happen for a reason, and I believe fate brought us together. Don't call me lucky either...Because LUCK had NOTHING to do with my happiness. I bust my ass to get where I am. Life isn't easy and sometimes it just sucks. But its how you get through those hard times is what matter people. Today, I love my life and I want to really live it. Now go live yours.

Do or Die...Words to live by...Truth.

Monday, April 25, 2011

What a weekend!

It's been a few days. Sorry about that. It was a hell of a weekend! Friday I cleaned the entire house and started making stuff for Easter dinner at my house for the first time. Followed by 2 hours of sweaty yard work. That night we didn't work out. We were SO busy and EXHAUSTED. I don't feel guilty because we've been working out EVERYDAY. I guess I somehow was trying to tell myself I should feel guilty, but...It wasn't happening LOL Saturday: Me, Barry, Taaj, Mom, Ambur and Jeremy all went to the beach. It was a WONDERFUL day. Gorgeous. We went for a nice looooong walk so at least we did that. Plus some light treading in the water. Sunday...Beautiful day with my family for Easter dinner, an egg hunt and celebrating my grandpa's 77th birthday. I didn't over stuff myself which I am really proud of myself for.

Tomorrow (maybe today) I go grocery shopping where I will buy weight loss (because I hate the word "diet) friendly foods. I'm excited. I don't know if I gained or loss this week, but it doesn't matter because I am trying. AF is upon me so she is making it really hard to be motivated and no sleep all day lol

Back to our work outs today! Looking forward to it!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Hi, my name is Lea...

...and I'm addicted to food.

Where do I begin? I have so much in my head I want to say, that I need to get out. The whole reason why I'm doing this, and allowing people to publicly read this blog. I'm a pretty open person, and don't mind talking about pretty much anything. But I have such a hard time talking about my eating habits, because frankly they are embarrassing and disgusting. It's not that I binge and purge, or gorge until I puke...Just my mentality. I am addicted to food.

I love to eat. I love to cook. I love the way good food tastes. I love after a long day, eating a BIG delish meal. I love the way it melts in your mouth. Every flavor melding together. Why? Why do I think this way? I can NEVER remember, EVER... just stopping when I was satisfied..full. Never. I stuff myself silly, at every meal. It's like a drug addict. They need it, yearn for it, obsess about it until they get it. I have to eat EVERYTHING on my plate. It would be insane of me to leave ANY of it. Wasteful. Throwing money (that I dont have) away. I have never felt this way before. Desperate. Feeling like Im out of time. I want it so bad, I want to live. I want to live healthy. I hate thinking about food all the time, my mind always wondering what I'll eat next. How the fuck do you change that thinking??!! A lifetime of shitty eating habits. How can I just change all that?! It feels hopeless. I want to run. I want to run with my son, without passing the fuck out. I want to get on a bus/airplane and not have have to walk sideways to get my ass thru. I want to sit in a movie theater and have INCHES of space left and not have my saddle bags hanging over. I want to go to ANY store and buy jeans and not look thru the HALF A DAMN rack of "Plus Size" clothes. I dont want to shop at fat bitch stores anymore. I want to enjoy food and not be scared of it. I want my 29 year old body to stop aching. Everyday. I want to be free from this body Ive been hiding in almost my whole life.

I thought the working out part was going to be the hardest for me to get used to, turns out, I was wrong. I love working out. It's a great stress reliever and I want to do more of it. I dont know how Im going to change my thought process when it comes to food. I really dont. But I have to find a way to do it, because it's do or die. I really am out of options.

Do or Die...

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Holy sore muscles!

Today, kicked my ass. But in a good way. We did our usual walk, with the husband tagging along which was awesome. It's nice having that motivation. I have such a wonderful husband. Today at Wal-Mart, we were checking out the weight loss (I hate saying diet!) safe snacks. He was checking out some chips and I said I wouldnt be eating those, do you know that man put them back?? He's so awesome.

Im sore today, which just means it's working lol My knee hurts, and various muscles I didnt know I had! HaHa! Tomorrow we are making our tracking charts and doing our weekly weight in. Im curious if I lost anything yet....Oh my...As we speck my bones are going CHRICK CRACK CHRICK CRACK..Just like that.

Chugging along...

I bought a new fancy scale the other day. It's glass. It tells your BMI, hydration and body fat. I dont like my new fancy scale. It LIES! (sigh)

Doing great still. Working out everyday! Not quite there with eating part, but getting better. Once I go to the grocery again next week, I'll start doing the weight watchers points plan. I have all the books and the cookbooks so me and mom are going to follow it like we always did.

That is all.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Motivation coming outta me arse!

So, this morning my wonderful husband has to get up early for his finals..FINALLY. We are all up byt 7:15am, just laying in bed, enjoying family time with our son and watching Little Bill. Today I am going to Sarasota so shoot some photos for an event, so I wont be able to get my work out in. I think..sigh...That sucks. I already feel guilty. Well screw that! Hubs leaves, I make a nice breakfast for me and my boy, threw him (not literally) in his stroller and OFF WE WENT! 1.34 miles in about 25 minutes! I even jogged...for like 15 seconds, then I felt my liver fall out.

I must really want this. Do or die.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

In full swing!

Today is the first day we put our workout schedule in full swing. 20 minuted of walking (3/4 mile) and another night of Richard. Tonight, he kicked my ass.

I had steak today. I dont feel guilty...Moving on.

My new eating plan hasn't started yet. I'm still phasing out all the stuff thats not so good from the house, after all, I cant afford to just throw it away lol But I'm definitely gearing up for a healthy fridge and pantry! Im looking forward to learning how to cook lighter. Should be interesting. Short entry tonight, I'm pooped!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

First real workout!

Well color me awesome! We did it. We did the entire Sweatin' to the Oldies DVD. 90 minutes. Sure, we took a 15 min break in between, but hey, we're fat...we gotta break at some point. I feel awesome. Accomplished. I have momentum. I know I can do this.

I'm hungry. Need time my dinner a little better next time.

We decided once a month we'll take pics of us, in our undies...Side, front and back. Oh.My. Have you ever seen a pic of your self, sans clothes? Not so pretty LOL But hey it's me...And I want to watch myself shrink. We also took our measurements. Just about finished off that poor tape measure.

This is good. I'm ready for this life change. Losing weight for good isn't just about being smaller, it's a journey that changes your life forever. That's what I'm ready for. I'm doing this for me. It's been a long time since I've done something major just for Lea. I like it. I need it. I deserve it.

Today, I want to be healthy.

Well, I didn't die as expected....Yet anyways...

So, last night my bff Bur came over to hang out. She's going to be with me during my "defatassness", doing her own thing too. I borrowed my moms 20th Anniversary set of Richard Simmons "Sweatin' to the Oldies". I for one, LOVE these DVD's. Partly because it's what my mom did back in the day and I remember doing it with her, and also because it's really fun and any size person can do it without having a stroke.

So I get the genius idea to do a little mini workout. Refresh my memory AND Bur has never seen it. So, win-win right? There was nothing "little" about this workout might I add. Here's what I learned last night:

  1. Not only am I fat, I'm grossly out of shape.
  2. I think I ruptured my spleen.
  3. Sweatin' to the Oldies involves a lot of sweat.
  4. We did a LOT more then I thought we could!
  5. 3 years ago I could run almost a mile (thats a lot for a fatty people), not so much today...YET
I'm glad we did though. I was a LOT of fun, just like I remembered. This will be our work-out 3 times a week.
Good choice? I think so.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Gearing up for the big start

It's high time I get back on track. It's been 3 years since I quit eating right and working out. Right before I got preggo with my Taaj. Not that he's to blame but..Ya know. (Kidding...maybe) Pregnancy made me lazy..and fatter. Boo. The day I found out I was expecting I was 280. I gained a whopping 50 pounds during the next 8 months. Oh my. Thankfully today, I'm right back there at 280. Still WAY too much but way better then the 330 I was 6 years ago. (yikes, I've always been hush hush about my weight, but there it is, please don't run!)

I could blame my weight on the lack of a father figure, emotional issues or some other psycho babble bullshit, but honestly, I like to eat. My family loves to eat. I grew up in a Puerto Rican household filled with deep fried pork, rice and beans (like every f*cking day!), coca cola and a slew of other heart clogging foods. We ate when we were happy, when we were sad, to celebrate a special day, to say I love you, to say I hate you even! We just ate...A LOT. At the tender age of 4, in 1985 I had heart surgery to correct a heart murmur. I steadily gained weight from that moment on, thought I didn't know I was fat until I was 6 1/2 in 1988 when we moved to Florida and I started getting picked on.

We weren't a very active bunch either. My mom was (is) over protective, so I didn't play much outdoors. I did, however, have Nintendo, the original, from the 90's (now I'm showing my age), barbies and legos...which I played with, a lot. I also didn't have chores. <sigh> Sounds good right? Not so much. I became a lazy, entitled little bitch whom just got fatter and fatter and FATTER. 

So, now here I am. 29 1/2. In terrible shape, with uncontrolled diabetes that's kicking my ass with all crap it brings with it and truly scared that I won't see my children grow up. It's do or die time. Quite literally. Time to stop fiddle fartin' around and do it, once and for all. Either that, or I'll be taking a permanent nap before I'm ready to. I started this blog to help me help myself succeed and maybe help some other fatty lose it too.