Tuesday, March 19, 2013

29 years

That is how many years I have spent overweight. 29 years.

332 pounds. That is how much I weight today.

249 pounds. That is my lowest weight. Just 2 short years ago.

Sometimes I wonder if this battle with fat will be a life long thing. If this is it for me, if being fat is just apart of who I am. Maybe this is who I am, and my fantasies of being athletic and running a marathon is just that...a fantasy.

I had a baby. 10 weeks ago. I gained about 70 pounds because I used that as an excuse to eat however I wanted. Nothing in my closet fits me. Unless it's stretchy.

I miss being what I liked to call "thin". Because it was for me. It's ruining me everyday. I wake up avoiding the mirror because I cant stand to look at myself knowing Im this big fat bitch that wheres sweat pants and t- shirts cuz thats all I got!

Yes, I am having a pity party right now. I dont like myself, and this is a first in my life, EVER. Yup, Ive ALWAYS been fat but this is the first time I have felt this bad.

My little baby girl hates to be put down, or held by anyone but her mama for that matter. This makes it pretty much impossible to get anything done, much less work out. I know I should cut myself some slack. It's only been 10 weeks. But I feel like shit and I want to be happy again.

I eat because Im sad, and Im sad because I eat.

Fuck.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Peek A Boo

This is a journey, not a destination. My struggles are normal. My struggles mean I am human. To err is to be human. Everyday I will wake up and I will struggle with my weight and my curse that is diabetes. Everyday I will fight with food, the thing that nourishes our bodies but can also kill us. Everyday I will have hundreds of numbers in my head. It is all so confusing, so overwhelming. I want instant results or I tire of this bullshit day in and day out. Diabetes is no joke. I hate it. I hate that it lives inside me. Its just there, in my face, taunting me and every bite of food I take. On my bad days that I eat all that ice cream to the good days....Even on those good days when my numbers aren't where they should be, I get so frustrated. Not only do I have to eat within my calories I also have to keep tight control on how many carbs I eat. Carbs are in EVERYTHING and just the smallest amount causes my blood sugar to sky rocket. That means that big plate of pasta you're eating...I'll be lucky if I can have 1/4 cup of it..WHOLE WHEAT even. 1 SMALL potato. I feel betrayed by my body. It makes me angry that I have to work so hard, with such little results. Today I sat through a diabetes education class at the local hospital. I was the youngest one in there. EVERYONE was at LEAST over 50. The older people behind me were hilarious. This older man from New York was trying to sweet talk his way out of being diabetic lol Giving every reason why or why not this and that. Sigh.

To make a long story short, I'm still here. I'm dealing with this crap my own way. I'm still up and down a few pounds, but that's my own fault.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Got my ducks in a row...

I really hate that saying. That goes along with "Dont put all your eggs in one basket." Who the eff came up with these lame analagies to explain lifes daily problems? Probably someone with a penis...That's my guess lol

Ok but really. I haven't written much lately. I can give you a shitload of legit, but lame reasons. But lazy is the main one. I had my follow up appoint with my doc to review my blood work and bone density test I had.

My A1C (ask Dr Google if you don't know what this is) was 9.3%, it needs to be 7 or lower.
My overall cholesterol was good but my bad cholesterol was slightly elevated.
No rheumatoid arthritis, just the regular kind and inflammation in my joints.
Thyroid looks good.
Fasting sugar was bad at 150 and it should be around 100.
So basically, I'm fat cuz I ate too much (big surprise), my bones are older then they should be and Im not dying as previously thought.

So I am now taking Beyaz (birth control) that obviously controls...Well, birth AND it also help with my PMDD (crazy bitch syndrome)

NSAID anit-inflammatory to help with the pain in my joints

850mg of Metformin 2x daily for my diabetes and...

Cymbalta to help with anxiety

I turned 30 and as a welcome gift I got a cabinet filled with drugs. Sweet.

The metformin should help me lose weight now while help to control my blood sugars so that's great because I've been gaining and losing the same 5lbs for 12 long ass weeks. I'm tired. The meds make me a bit drowsy but I look forward to feeling and seeing the results. So I'm ok.

Life is ok. We are just trying to keep our heads above water. I just turned 30 (eeeeeeeek!) and we are about to celebrate our 1st wedding anniversary and our baby boy turns 3 in 2 weeks. Life's scary.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The Journey within...

Truth be told, I felt myself losing hope. Not giving up, just losing hope. This journey is so hard both mentally, emotionally and physically. I could have never imagined changing a lifetimes thought process of food and eating would be so...so...draining. Everyday I wake up thinking about food. Thinking about my work out. Thinking about my declining health. Every. Day. Some nights Id cry myself to sleep convinced I was just cursed to be fat and unhealthy. I stay up late wondering why? Why does it have to be so hard? I want it so bad, so bad but even then it is insanely hard. I never realized how many emotions would be stirred up when I decided to lose weight. How many things about my past that I guess Im not really over. Things I thought I was ok with, but turns out, Im not. There are so many things going on in my life right now that are effecting my mind. I am days away from my 30th birthday and I am both dreading and excited for it. To me its a life changing age. Its the start of a new book.

Deep inside I am angry. At my mother for showing me bad habits, at her parents for not knowing any better. At my father for not being there, at my myself for allowing people to effect my life SO negativity. Anger. Anger. Anger. It feels good to say it. Im angry. Im angry at being poor as a child...Ok maybe not poor, but lower middle class. Poor. Im angry at being ethnic. Heaven help me for even saying that. But lets be honest. Ethnics...Hispanic, we eat every thing bad. Fried. Pig everything. Rice. Lots of rice. Poor people eat poor. Poor people have poor health. This is it. It is a fact. Not my opinion. Boxed mac n cheese, corn dogs, hamburger helper, tv dinners...Cheap, tasty (sorta? lol) and so full of calories, fat and carbs! Not to mention PROCESSED to hell. How do I change my head of 30 years with a bad relationship with food? Will I ever be "cured"? No, probably not. I will always struggle and fight with food. I hate that. I really do. Today, Im grateful for my 3.2lb weight loss. Next week I hope its another 3 lbs.

A pound at a time I will get to my goal. I will reverse this ugle disease diabetes. I will slow the degeneration of my bones. I will run with my son. I will have more children. I will. I will. I will. I can. I am.

Do or Die...

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Life is like a box of mini chocolate donuts..

...And when aunt Flow is visiting, I will eat half of her.

On the way home from Wal-Mart.

Alone.



I still cant believe I ate half the damn box. I mean really. Wow. It's hard enough having will power on a normal day, but on these days, there IS no such thing as "will power". Ok there is, I willed myself to only eat HALF the box instead of the whole thing. Ok, but seriously, I feel very low today. Not only have I only lost 22 lbs in 4 1/2 months, I know its because I fucked up...a lot. People think this; You're fat, so how do you get UNfat? Go on a diet. Eat right, work out and ta-da you're thin right? Ya, I wish. I don't know about people who got fat 1/2 way through life, or because they had 3 kids back to back. But me..Ive been fat pretty much my entire life. I don't really feel like repeating myself why, so please refer to previous posts about my fat filled childhood. But what I'm saying is, is that this fat thing is not just weight and pounds, its in my head. It's etched in me. I don't know how to go through the day without thinking about food and all the awesome things about it. The fact is, I need therapy. Flat out. I know this. I just have to do it now. It makes me sad. I thought I could do this without that. But I was thinking today while I was on the pot (cuz ya know, that's where all ideas start right?), that when I get to my goal, how will I ever keep it off for life? Will it creep back up on me? Will I cheat a little here or there? I feel very sad, disappointed in myself. Ashamed that this is where I am. I wish I had a normal brain, with healthy thoughts about food. Wish wish wish wish wish wish. I should wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills up faster LOL I may have eaten like shit today but I still worked out! Now that counts for something right? 




Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Well then...

I lost 4.8 pounds this last week. THANK THE STARS! I really was starting to lose hope there. I had maintained or gained for almost 6 weeks!! I dont have much else to report really, just chugging along, getting ready for my physical in 2 weeks which I am really looking forward to actually. So..YAH!! for weight loss! LOL

Monday, August 1, 2011

I had a dream...

I had a dream....last night that is. I had a dream that I stood in a room packed full of people there to listen to me. To listen to the words that come from my heart. I stood in front of these people, there I saw my mother, my uncle and friends from long ago waiting with anticipation. There I stood with tears in my eyes and began to speak. I spoke about being obese, being young and unable to do the things I want to do. I spoke about how as a nation how fat we are, and how little we care for our bodies that are precious gifts. I cried. I went to on to say that we need to WAKE UP and look at ourselves. Not one of us will live to be old! To see our children grow old, watch our grandchildren be born to be able to be of sound body and mind. The poison we put into our bodies everyday will kill us before we can do any of those things.

I woke up. I felt emotional. I hate my body right now. My obesity disables to me from being able to be all I can be, to be all I want to be. My body has betrayed me. Doing something has simple as 60 seconds of jumping jacks causes immense pain to my both of my knees and the motion of jumping when you have belly fat and excess fat on your rear is also very painful and just gross to watch. It makes me angry. In my head I can run, fast, for a long time. I can run a marathon. But my body...It has other plans. How frustrating to not be in the same place as your body. 

I havent worked out in several days. Not because I dont want to. But because (and I hate this word) I cant. I had a yard sale Friday and Saturday that was very physically tasking. I attempted to do Jillian Michaels 30 day shred as I have been on Saturday. The moment I started doing those goddamn jumping jacks I knew it was a bad idea. I tried to keep going but the pain in both my knees was so severe I had to stop and go cry. Cry because it hurt and cry because I am sick to death of this fat. This fat that just sits on my body preventing me to do anything. Who the fuck does it think it is?! Go away fat! (I yell that a lot when I work out) So now what? Between my horrible genetics which will claim my body for osteoporosis, arthritis, heart disease, mental illness, brittle bones, etc...What do I do? Im 29 years old and I have arthritis in my hands, 2 bad knees, hips that constantly hurt and lower back pain. Not to mention diabetes. I wake up everyday thinking about my health. Im scared. I watch members of my family wake everyday with pain. Bad circulation in their legs, bursitis, diverticulitis, painful varicose veins and plethora of ailments that many could have been prevented or managed. So why werent they? Same old reason. Ya cant fight city hall? No one in my family really believes going to the doctor lol They will lie to you, they just want your money, they're full of shit. 

NOT I, says this fat chick. Cuz guess what? This chick now has health insurance as August 1, 2011. I am finally going to get the care I need. I will fix these this things that I can. I will relieve this pain I have. I have never looked more forward to going to the doctor in my life. I want to live. Long, and healthy and happy. I am desperate for life.

I went into this journey wanting to lose weight and get healthy. Very simple. But how I could not have known how unsimple this would be and how many emotions and other feelings it would bring up. I am here creating a new person. I wont just be Lea, now thin and healthy. I will be a whole new person. I will look at food differently, I will think about it differently. I want to run that marathon one day. Soon. 

Do or Die people...Those are your choices. Dont let another day pass you by with another excuse why you "cant".